and not a single drop to spare

spent the last two days working on a cable show called 'good eats' with alton brown. he's a real driven writer/director/performer/culinary artist/motorcyclist/chemist. you know the type.
spent the last two days in a foam pill-shaped costume with a hole for my head, hands, and legs. i was an oxygen atom. then bonded with a couple of hydrogen gloves and became a water molecule.
spent the last two days eating great food. he's a cook with a crew of cooks cooking for his cooking show. and when they're not cooking for the show, they cook for the crew. and that's the good eats.
spent the last two days mostly clean-shaven. they had to change camera angles in one scene tho, because my "ugly gorilla back hair" was grossing alton brown out. he has a weak stomach. he told me he kissed a man in mesh underwear once. sure, it was for a theater production. but he shouldn't cry about my back hair when he's had some in his mouth.
i kid.
spent two days kidding.

i must subsist! after you!

me and t-stolt interviewed for a job that would take us dozens of miles around the southeastern state-osphere. the chik-fil-a people want two guys like us to spotlight special team members who make the little mormon poultry parade a bit more...special.
we pretended like we were driving and improvised some dialogue about a team member in kentucky who braved a vicious storm to go make chicken sandwiches.

him: we're heading to elizabethtown, kentucky. ever heard of it?
me: used to be called elizabethopolis, but that was a mouthful!

the clients clucked out loud (COL for u l33t speakers) at our seat-clearing antics. they almost applauded. it was a golf-like smatter that didn't.
the kicker: they gave us each a prize! only check out the date.

bashful liar

pretended to be the champeen of vidalia onion eating. said i mow thru 'em like apples. the poor nearest face then gets pegged by an onion core. if it's spicy it's on my menu. chicken wings? hell yeah. i order two dozen. i gargle two dozen. capsaicin mouthwash. big smile.
pretended to care. said i wring chicken necks like rags. the rich blood oils the floor. do a flintstone stumble and scooby doo out the door.
i guess it was a commercial audition for a restaurant that serves chicken. they wouldn't tell us the name of the establishment. usually they don't tell you a name because they're so damn famous. kenny rogers roasters is out of business. i bet big boi opened a chain.

testes testes , one two.....three?!!!

3 balls.

'we don't share. we sell.'

that's what the client said. i found it slightly hilarious during shoot when the cingular phones were having trouble getting reception.
i represented cingular at every level. therefore, the client said, i needed to improve my posture. lift my chin. and smile with teeth. when i showed them my teeth, they reneged.
i thought it would be funny to wear this outfit in a cingular store and test the employee's knowledge of their products. this story was regaled over a lunch of corner bakery chicken salad sandwiches and sugar cookies: a regional manager of cingular, we'll call him craig, went into a store. craig rushed up to a guy and tested his product knowledge, asking him the price of two phones. he then asked him why he should pay a hundred dollars more for one phone over the other. the man replied, 'i dunno.' craig told him 'you damn well oughta, you're fired!' and the guy left. craig was then told he had just fired a customer.
corporate.

how do you memorize all those syllables?

so, all my bitching got me two jobs in two days. one for the good eats program starring alton brown. another for a cingular industrial. the characters of each are polar opposites, providing a shallange por mi. i wouldn't want my 'water molecule' character to get mixed up with 'JJ the sales rep'.... so how do i distinguish between the two?
here's an acting lesson: stick-on moustache.
also, how do i 'forget' i'm one guy and 'become' another?
acting lesson dos: dewar's on the rocks.
it's a fact. i auditioned for something i can't tell you about because i signed a confidentiality agreement. but i'll go ahead and tell you it has everything to do with this place. i signed my name as gomer pyle. bo-schneeky-schneeky.

beshirted and capable

go here to check out the four one one on our totally dank improv hit. it kicked off last week with nevada caldwell as our guest storyteller. she told stories of crashing a car and taking a vengeful shit on a rooftop. she teaches children.
this inspired scenes of improvisation. did you know there's a minimum number of participants to qualify as a gang? or of the popularity of baby-piercing? also, i learned in DnD colossus is entirely made of stone and that rangers are gay.
speaking of rump rangering. a lovely mother of two or three named leslie got me an audition for a voice over last week. it was for a gay automotive commercial. they figured out gays got grands. here it is. me and steve coulter. we quit each other right after recording. i was paid $150 to affect a gay voice for 15 seconds. that's $36,000 an hour. gays got grands.