hit 'em up style

i haven't been getting much voice over work this year. i miss it. it is the best money in this industry, bar none. here's why:
a basic non-union going rate for a studio session is $250 per hour. readers of technical writing can expect to charge 50% more. on a national union scale, one radio spot may earn a voice over talent a $20,000 return. pro's do it from home studios without having to comb their hair.
inasmuch as advertising clamors for attention, skews self-image, and generally irradiates brains, it is very difficult to argue with $250 per hour. their products may be trivial at the least, life-threatening at the most. yet, i offer myself as a commodity jesus.
i was very happy when my agent asked if i was available for a macy's radio spot. it's back-to-school season. i don't sound like a 10-year-old (or so i've been told), but i do have a young men's nautica jeans, polos and attitude tee's voice.
at 3 pm i sped to doppler studios, slapped the headphones on and cranked out the first script in about 5 minutes. in moments, another script was put in my hand. then another and another etc... at 3:55 pm we were finished. less than an hour. my invoice read $1250.

i am school on a saturday

about a week ago, i auditioned for a simple promo for a cable network. the previous auditioners took their time. it was a very thorough interview, i thought. i entered the small studio space with the casting director. there i found the director i was auditioning for was one of my best friends. he had told me about the project. still i forgot.
i was funny. i was more or less relevant. in fact, i was so creative, the clients couldn't see me in the role. they wanted something more real, with hints of 'accidental' brilliance. i gave them a velvet box full of precious gems. they didn't want that. they wanted a cardboard box full of rocks which might be taken for treasure.
my friend relayed this to me: "i gave them a list of ideas. they poured over them for a day or two, and when they came back...well, they were the exact same ideas. some of them less so."
this was yet another client asking for improvised testimonials. this gives a less-scripted, fresh approach. unfortunately, without a script writer entering the process at any point, the final product, full of essential ingredients, often bakes for half the time. this is how advertisers contract trichinosis.

ricky bobby and the day he met a passenger on a bus

last thursday i went to birmingham, alabama. on purpose. auditions were being held for small cameos in a new movie starring will ferrell. as of this writing it is an untitled movie.
on the door at the holiday inn conference room a sheet of white 8.5 x 11 paper read:
"untitled movie" auditions
the actor sign-in desk was helmed by one woman about 60 years old and two local boys about 14 years old. they sized me up and gave me sides for these two roles:
manager
pasenger (sic)
the two scenes i read displayed anchorman-like wit. this new story casts will ferrell as nascar driver, ricky bobby.
several auditioning children sat around with hopeful parents. a thick, dark gentleman on a cellphone paced the lobby with a tiny blonde 7 year old boy in tow. he was upset:
"this is totally unacceptable."
he was an attorney. he had invested in a movie about the scottboro boys, and was also auditioning with his son.
"highway robbery, plain and simple."
he may have actually been referring to a robbery on a highway.
i waited for 75 minutes to be put on tape. the casting director had me read one line for the passenger. ricky bobby delivers pizzas before nascar. afraid to drive, he delivers them via city bus. my character stares at him. he offers an explanation:
ricky bobby: "i lost my license. i deliver pizzas."
me: "i really don't care."
the casting director said i was very talented. this tape would be going directly to the director, adam mckay. i told her i met adam in springfield, missouri, while he was on tour with second city and i was on tour with my improv group. the second city actors drank an entire liter of vodka straight with no chaser. they were having a rough tour.
"well, adam's married now with kids. i'll put it on your resume. maybe he'll remember you."
she wrote my little story down. if it shakes his memory, and he casts me, you may catch me in will ferrell's upcoming "untitled movie".

quakey breaky part

today i auditioned for a captain d's commercial. there was no copy. i didn't have to improvise any lines. it is called 'bite & smile' part. you take a mouthful of tasty product and react as if it's uncharacteristically good.
i love batter-fried fish. it is one of the few fastfoods i will drive thirty minutes for. i keep a stack of coupons for captain d's in a kitchen drawer. i will be smiling for realsies if i get the job.
this one has a catch. no pun intended at all. when i bit the new crunchy fish sandwich, i was to react as if an earthquake hit the restaurant. assumably it's the resonance of crunch which causes tremors.
what really causes earthquakes is a mystery. there are theories about tectonic plates and stresses along fault lines. artistotle, for all his empiricism, hypothesized there were winds beneath the earth's surface that moved the ground. before his 'scientific' theory, people held the belief that giant snakes, spiders and catfish lived underground. captain d's revives this charming explanation with their new crunchy fish sandwich.
either way, it's nice to know you can still get 10 fish fillets, 2 lobster tails, 9 hushpuppies, a half-gallon of slaw and 3 stuffed crabshells for $2.99... add eleventy-two shrimp for only 99¢.

eternal marketing4life

i did not go to an audition today at 1 pm. my agent said it would be intense. it demanded tears. if i could not reach that degree of acting, they'd understand if i said no.
i read the script. a college-aged dude with all the pressures of success weighing on him so hard he can't cope. he has a gun in his lap.
this was something i should do. a psa on getting help. cool. my mom related a story only yesterday about a schoolmate of ours committing suicide last week. my big brother, my grandfather, grandfather's uncle, all did themselves in for various reasons. i've wrestled with it. yes. this would be a helpful, selfless acting gig.
it's about an hour before the audition. i take another look at the copy. it says teen-aged college student. out of concern that i don't look that young anymore i check out their website for the "who cares" spot. let's find a bit more info. on their demographic.
a smiling middle-aged white guy? smooth voice. talking about a campaign. click thru the tv ads on sex and drugs. no mention of education, rehabilitation. before i ever saw the word 'mission' i knew:
this is a campaign for christ.
it's mostly ads. a multi-tiered company here in atlanta called inovaone is the go-to headquarters.
all they really have to say about the "who cares" campaign is this:
we need everyone's help to make this the greatest media campaign ever delivered to north america to reach people in need.
those are pretty high goals: the greatest media campaign ever in north america? how about a suicide hotline? see any links to drug clinics or women's shelters? herm...
i called steve sanford at inovaone to find out how to get involved. there was no answer.

bitrate bit part

this morning i improvised an auditioned for a bellsouth industrial, usually internal videos companies make to train employees. this one is aimed at their customers. i'm not sure how it'll be distributed.
everything played directly to the camera. 2 guys unable to confront a friend directly, instead record a statement on video to tell him he has a problem: he doesn't have dsl, his friends, bill & carl, do. i played carl.
"this is tough love. a divine 'intervention' dude. yer always downloading on my computer, bidding on golf bags you never win. you think charles babbage, father of the modern computer, woulda thought it was cool for you to be leeching off his difference engine?"
though the du jour was improvisation, there actually was a script. it contained one bit that was worth building on. carl made a chart. statistically it showed the number of times our friend promised to pay for dsl versus the real number of times he paid. the actual prop in the auditon was poster board used to white balance the camera. it was blank, save for a small swirl where someone had tested a pen for ink.
"see this chart? this twister represents you browsing on our internet. this large white void is what's left. like gentrification."