Tuesday, May 17, 2005

dive right off the cars and splash into the street

two auditions in the last two days. one for a company called advance america. is it a bank? a friendly bank-like institution that does a solid when you're in a pinch?
i sat in profile with another gentleman dressed in a suit. i calmly asked him
"why does overdraft protection cost anything if it's free?"
"well, it's free if you don't use it."
haw. this echoes the sentiment anyone has felt when they were spiked with a surcharge for over drawing their account. this draws tv viewers who hate banks to empathize. but hold on. what's the advance america solution? they will give you a cash advance in the amount of what your typical paycheck earns...against your bank account! which means if you're already in the position of paying for overdraft fees, you're gonna be double-dizzy. here's what their website says about this:
Q:What happens if I don't have the funds necessary to repay the advance on my due date?
A:Just like you, we hope this doesn't happen. But if it does, Advance America is committed to collecting past due accounts in a professional, fair and lawful manner. If your check is deposited and returned by your bank due to insufficient funds, Advance America may charge a returned check charge if permitted by applicable law.

not only that, but one glance at their APR on cash advances is enough to make even me get a job: 456.25%. i'm not making this up.
the other audition was for the georgia lottery. i'm starting to wonder if i emit a certain lotto pheromone. winners get $1000 a week for the rest of their lives. i played the role of a winner cheating the character of death. we played rock, paper, scissors. only i cheated. i showed "paper" but when death showed scissors, i changed my top hand of paper to upper jaw of alligator. as we all know, alligator eats scissors. and as long as i simply stay alive, i collect.
many of the gentlemen who went before me worked very hard to improvise this audition. i know because i could hear them. they were very loud, as if on an outdoor stage surrounded by a baffled deaf audience. i also heard the casting director tell them to "subtle it up" which is an industry term for "this is a small room and you're using all the oxygen."
sigh. i auditioned for two big scams. one promises cash for sticky situations, the other promises nothing, but if you do win, they remind you in a wink, it and you will soon be gone.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi buddy... I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with reality. Please come back. If you want to change the world, why didnt you become a firefighter? Or an astronaut? You would have made a great astronaut because you're so skinny. But sadly, space is just a big old scam, too. Nah, maybe you should stick to being an actor.

5/22/2005 2:41 PM  
Blogger maryk said...

just because you're in florida, you can't continue to blargh? wtf? you lure people in with your brain candy, then as soon as they're securely in your mind's white van, SLAM, there goes the door--locked. And my virginity, unlocked. Thanks a lot!

5/25/2005 3:32 PM  

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