Saturday, August 26, 2006

a wipe is an editing technique

it's a take off on sex and the city. instead of a gossiping bitch talking about loose sex, the lead female is a radio host advocating abstinence for teen-age girls. it's a christian comedy. ignorance is the new education.
i was called upon to provide magically-improvised character work. i bet a brazilian dolores the rewrites will include much of what was improvised by maryk, rp, dan t, t-stolt and jamie m.
our story begins just after sunset at a modest buckhead palace. the casting director and her friend were given use of the screenwriter's home for the audition.
myself, t-stolt and dan t were asked to wait outside on the back deck overlooking the pool and surrounding acreage. this ostensibly kept us from stealing each other's bits.
the view was probably nice. all the lights were off. they couldn't figure out how to turn them on.
so (verb tense change here) we're sitting outside reading our scripts in the dark mosquito-fog. dan t groans over a stummy-ache. he bolts inside to the shitter. i punctuate his exit with a roaring fart. it feels good. it smells bad. t-stolt leans in to take a whiff and pokes my belly. it feels bad. his short jab temporarily stuns my sphincter. without the levee, the new orleans of my pants gets a flood. t-stolt, unaware of his true aim, climbs down the back deck and out. i'm alone. with my li'l squirt.
i touch the back of my pants and my worst nightmare has just become reality. my baby's placenta seeped through my skivvies. a brown blurble is visible on my pants. and now it's on my hand.
one of the first things a smart casting director will do is not shake your hand. they meet filthy actors all day. i can't be certain this is a smart one.
i smell my hand and peer thru the window. with the odor of fresh soil in my nostrils, i count the crucifixes on the livingroom wall. seventeen. yup. i waddle in.
the same octogenarian who can't figure out how to turn on the porch lights shows me to a bathroom and opens the door. dan t quickly brays:
so i go down the hall. this bathroom is filled with bras. hanging on the door, on the sink, over the mirrors, on the floor. these christians know healthy support starts at home. bras-el tov!
macgyver-style, i fashion a maxi pad of toilet paper and slip it in my pants. i try to wash my hands. there is no soap. i check the entire bathroom. every liquid toiletry imaginable. no soap. i shampoo and condition my hands.
during the audition i sit on a white antique chair, hoping i don't leave a ring like a coffee mug. i take on the role of one radio host who suggests abortion, in some cases, is the best action.
afterwards they shake my hand and give me a novelty condom box labeled "just don't do it". as i'm hobbling out i notice my handmade sanitary napkin is gone. and my baby unchristened. won't you please help me by submitting a name to the post-mortem all-star name jam?


Blogger rp said...

i auditioned alone, with the old gal (probably) that you spoke of. She had me read every part on the sides, schizophrenic-style, and took notes. She kept having me do it over and over again, saying "ad-lib more." Um. That's the direction? Okay. Then she described the plot from beginning to end.

I was there for an hour.

8/28/2006 4:38 PM  
Blogger onthetowns said...

I can only hope that someday I can shit myself in a similar style. You, sir, are a virtuoso.

8/28/2006 5:47 PM  
Blogger Overdroid said...

This story is truly heroic and epic in its scope. Joseph Cambell's Hero's journey is covered in each of its fine points.

8/28/2006 7:53 PM  
Blogger ablebody said...

PART ONE: The Adventure of the Hero.

Chapter I: Departure

* 1. The Call to Adventure - my agent calls me
* 2. Refusal of the Call - i let it go to voice mail
* 3. Supernatural Aid - i smoke some weed
* 4. The Crossing of the First Threshold - i put on some pants
* 5. The Belly of the Whale - my pants are kinda snug

Chapter II: Initiation.

* 1. The Road of Trials - WTF, there's ivy rd, old ivy rd, ivy terrace, and ivy place
* 2. The Meeting with the Goddess - the casting director is an old greek woman
* 3. Woman as the Temptress - they all smell like hot wings to me
* 4. Atonement with the Father - dad's garage (t-stolt) punches me in the stomach once again
* 5. Apotheosis - ?
* 6. The Ultimate Boon - the name of the dish at applebee's that gave me the runs

Chapter III: Return

* 1. Refusal of the Return - i can't walk straight
* 2. The Magic Flight - the weed is still hitting
* 3. Rescue from Without - without soap i manage to clean the mess
* 4. The Crossing of the Return Threshold - no one saw this, it's like when carol anne came back from the TV world in poltergeist - a flash of staticy light and she was there
* 5. Master of the Two Worlds - i was seeing double by midnight at estoria
* 6. Freedom to Live - this is why we fight in iraq - a lessor nation would've had me executed

8/28/2006 9:56 PM  
Blogger Overdroid said...


8/29/2006 3:20 AM  
Blogger onthetowns said...

I'm weeping.

8/29/2006 9:20 AM  
Blogger maryk said...

I suggest Stankonia Weatherbottom Stanton.

8/30/2006 11:46 AM  
Blogger Jed said...

dude, you just need diapers. they make them for adults ya know? at least your not a shit for brains...just a shit for pants.

9/01/2006 8:06 AM  
Blogger ablebody said...

i'm starting to wonder if it's this diet. i don't want to give up on this bananas and taquitos regimen. i feel a strong connection to my simian ancestry, tempered with a tv dinner convenience.

9/01/2006 9:59 AM  
Blogger Overdroid said...

Immodium. Check it out.

9/01/2006 5:21 PM  

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