Friday, July 28, 2006

fix'n to

guess what i auditioned for the other day. guess. go on. the character doesn't have a name, but is a form of human. something you might find smoking at a gas pump or stuck under a tractor. always holding a bottlerocket in its hand. pointing the wrong way.
need help?
they're found all over the south. maybe even exclusively in atlanta. cuz it seems like all i ever audition for is...
redneck!
made of buckshot and ropeswings. capable of pinning a dog on its back for 10 seconds. a fondness for trampolines and tobacco ensures he knows what the inside of a hospital looks like.
i witnessed one hurl a haymaker with the right arm and delicately cradle a tiny baby with the left. he missed his target, rotated a full 360° and, in the time it took for his world to spin around, had done some thinking and tucked the baby safely in to bed.
so here's to you redneck. i may never see the world through your half-crossed eyes. i probably won't make a pass at someone to whom i'm related. and i physically can't bring myself to eat souse. or look at it. but the next time i get a job portraying one of you heroes, i will definitely cash the check.
sa-loot!

6 Comments:

Anonymous cachilders@apeinfinitum.net said...

Have I mentioned my fondness for your prose? It's good. That's all I'm saying, man. It's good.

7/28/2006 5:50 PM  
Blogger maryk said...

They won't even tell you what C-Loaf is.

They comment on the fact that most people don't know what it is. Then they don't tell you what it is.

i auditioned for a redneck on Thursday. Maybe it was the wife of the part you auditioned for. Patriotville?
I scratched my butt.

7/29/2006 3:18 PM  
Blogger ablebody said...

it was that movie whut dare not speak its name. i whipped my hat off and exclaimed tarnation.
aren't you more of a buckhead-type gone insane?

7/30/2006 11:21 AM  
Blogger Jed said...

can I eat that pimento cheese sandwich you ben hidin in yur pocket?

8/03/2006 2:29 PM  
Blogger cruchic said...

can you blog about Chicagopalooza, thank you please!!

8/09/2006 11:37 AM  
Blogger maryk said...

argh. i want to read more on here. that's passive aggressive for "you do more on here."

8/15/2006 3:18 PM  

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