pshaw-ditions

this week started out like a black snake and ended up a real m-80. i'm one of only a handful of lucky thespians called back for the bojangles spot. a guy digs a hole. his buddy wonders, 'hey what's with the shovelin', digger?' guy counters with 'they've opened a new bojangles in china!' hey big brain, help the boy dig! forget the fact that you'd have to start in chile or argentina. bo-jingley-jangles, ya'll!
at the autotrader.com audition i was asked to be footloose and fancyfree with the script. it's an internal video to get their employees buzzing over customer satisfaction. somebody there believes you can grab blue-collar attention with a comedian dressed as a chef putting 'ingredients of success' in a bowl. zut alors! their version starred 'chef rolay'. yuk. i wrote my own script, with full-on fun-tastic puns and culinary quips! check it out:
It takes a lot of ingredients to cook up a hot plate of success.
With me, Chef Paul Kudbuggle, as your guide, you’ll be out of the failure pan and on the expert plate in no time!
I always like to start with an Empowerment Snack-a-teaser. Begin with an entire package of trust. It may sound like a lot, but you can use too much of this. In fact the more you give, the more Empowerment there is to go around. Add a pinch of admiration with a dash of respect. This dish can go a long way. It not only whets your appetite, but it really gives those around you a taste of worth.
We know the English enjoy their afternoon spot o’ tea. Here in the States, our success comes from drinking Integri-Tea. You say, Chef Paul Kudbuggle, How do I make a pot of Integri-Tea? The basic ingredient is Truth. A gallon of it. It can’t be served in an unpredictable cup. Why? Take a look at this pasty fellow with food stains covering his shirt. He spills his Integri-tea. So always provide it in a mug of Reliability.
We’ve all heard there’s no I in Team. There is an M and an E. And an A and a T. That spells MEAT, the centerpiece of any profitable entrée. Meat doesn’t cook by itself. It’s seasoned with group dynamics such as cooperation, it’s grilled on an open communication flame, and rarely is a meal as satisfying unless it’s eaten with friends.
i was asked to immediately go back to the script. and this time, could i do a character. other than the twat I just portrayed? oh, you mean do a funny voice...
"it's always better with a funny voice."
i'll file that one away in my comedy 'don'ts & seriously...don'ts'
so i did it with a marvelous french accent and made milquetoast adjustments to their 'gazpacho dedication soup'...
i also had three voice over auditions, which i did from my own basement without having to put pants on. one for (surprise) ga lottery, one for dr. paul bearer's funeral spectacular (i'm lying), and the last for a nerf football that actually works better in mud.