a-cross-tic

the puzzle that is acting. you are yourself, yet you are someone else. you are embodying the spirit of someone who may or may not have ever existed. you represent something, perhaps a typical customer in an advertisement, or a specific historical figure, like kenneth branagh playing FDR in HBO's recent "warm springs." it isn't really FDR. the limp is affected. i represented a boy scout leader. the one who invites him to stay for lunch and wash up. he proceeds to splash his face with water that inflicts him with the polio virus. since filming, no one has blamed me for leading a boy scout camp brimming with contaminated water, or held a grudge for giving a future president a debilitating disease. it's all symbolic, like a dream. moving pictures are manifestations of our dreams.
recently i auditioned for a role in an industrial film. it was a union buster. living in a "right to work" state means you may sign a union contract and earn union pay. but the union can't force you to join. in this overt short, i played a union rep. sent to keep cingular employees (they are almost completely union-free and like it) in line.
"look, mike, i'm your rep. when you go straight to the boss it undermines my authority."
the cingular employee asks if they're allowed to talk about anything.
"sure, go ahead, but when it comes to wages, job safety or hours, you gotta go through me!"
the character then did a little victory dance. the writer based this character on a local celeb named david cross.
"he can be a real asshole."
but he's not mean?
"no, he does it with a sincerity that is agreeable."
are we talking about the same david cross?
"try pretending to be a jerk."
my friend dan got the role. he's representing a union representative based on david cross, symbolic asshole, in a non-represented union-busting movie, that is itself a manifestation of a dream.
before there were movies, what did people say their dreams were like?

dive right off the cars and splash into the street

two auditions in the last two days. one for a company called advance america. is it a bank? a friendly bank-like institution that does a solid when you're in a pinch?
i sat in profile with another gentleman dressed in a suit. i calmly asked him
"why does overdraft protection cost anything if it's free?"
"well, it's free if you don't use it."
haw. this echoes the sentiment anyone has felt when they were spiked with a surcharge for over drawing their account. this draws tv viewers who hate banks to empathize. but hold on. what's the advance america solution? they will give you a cash advance in the amount of what your typical paycheck earns...against your bank account! which means if you're already in the position of paying for overdraft fees, you're gonna be double-dizzy. here's what their website says about this:
Q:What happens if I don't have the funds necessary to repay the advance on my due date?
A:Just like you, we hope this doesn't happen. But if it does, Advance America is committed to collecting past due accounts in a professional, fair and lawful manner. If your check is deposited and returned by your bank due to insufficient funds, Advance America may charge a returned check charge if permitted by applicable law.
not only that, but one glance at their APR on cash advances is enough to make even me get a job: 456.25%. i'm not making this up.
the other audition was for the georgia lottery. i'm starting to wonder if i emit a certain lotto pheromone. winners get $1000 a week for the rest of their lives. i played the role of a winner cheating the character of death. we played rock, paper, scissors. only i cheated. i showed "paper" but when death showed scissors, i changed my top hand of paper to upper jaw of alligator. as we all know, alligator eats scissors. and as long as i simply stay alive, i collect.
many of the gentlemen who went before me worked very hard to improvise this audition. i know because i could hear them. they were very loud, as if on an outdoor stage surrounded by a baffled deaf audience. i also heard the casting director tell them to "subtle it up" which is an industry term for "this is a small room and you're using all the oxygen."
sigh. i auditioned for two big scams. one promises cash for sticky situations, the other promises nothing, but if you do win, they remind you in a wink, it and you will soon be gone.

dangerkind

today was no ordinary go-see. to prepare, i did not shower. i have not shaved in 5 days. i arrived with four other gentlemen who ranged from drifter to psycho.
we were photographed to be the coverguy on the promo's of a new original turner show: WANTED. they needed diversity, so in addition to my rat-faced expression, they got a biker, a pedophile (fat w/glasses), a black man, and a hispanic gentleman.
the photographer, mark, softened the occasion by asking the black man what he did for a living. he was in commercial real estate, and seemed the least threatening of us all. but when he gave the camera his psycho look...well, he looked like that guy you copped all that commercial real estate from, who'd just burned the roof his mouth on hot pizza.
production seemed a little nervous about the liability. three different people explained the program, and showed us a mock-up of the final WANTED ads.
"look, the word WANTED appears across the eyes here, so no one will recognize you as the subject."
"we can't see your eyes, so all the acting is in the mouth and forehead."
"there is an elite task force in california searching for LA's top 100 suspects. they shouldn't confuse you with the real guys."
i'm going to LA in june. i hope i get the job. i hope i meet an elite bounty hounter. i hope, i hope, i hope.

footagefootagefootagefootagefootagefootage

in reference to posting april 24, 2005 cobra jet creepin'....CLICK HERE for the finished product.

hmm...
yahoo is making things difficult. try cutting and pasting this link into your browser.
http://us.share.geocities.com/brainbucket2000/tundra.mov

marsupial campaign

I auditioned for the part of Jimmy Tech. He's an auto tech at Express Oil. When I embodied Jimmy for the client and director, I played him as deadpan as they come. I had to play straightman to a little possum. His name is Otis and he's a longtime customer who wears a hat, smokes a cigar and deftly maneuvers a car.
The director had me improvise the script. I wonder why they pay copywriters anymore. It was an interview with me concerning my recent repair of Otis' brake pads.
"He's always been a loyal customer. So, it's important that he be able to stop his car at Express Oil."
The director asked if I thought Otis' meticulous attention to detail was overbearing.
"I don't mind if he points out things that need attention. It just makes my job easier. Strange, though. Possums aren't really known for their eyesight."
And to the question of whether Otis gets special treatment.
"Please, I'd treat anybody at Express Oil with the same 5-star quality service as Otis. Of course, possums have litters of 6 to 10, so I look at that as a continuing customer base. If they all survive."
I am not certain why they chose an animal as their new spokesthing that has a violent history with the automobile industry.
I hope they hire a Redd Foxx type for the part of Otis. Jimmy Tech could be a real breakout role for a character actor like me.