happy drinking day

i am totally topless and 100% unemployed right now.

here's to phat tuesday. (clink, chug, vomit).

kick out the jamz

i've been farting for about 32 years. solid. but now i'm in a show. THE show. it don't got a title. but get ready for the sharpest, most-dialed-in comedy event of the year. you have to be in atlanta to see it. and you have to pay us to sit down (free if you stand, awesome if you can stand it). it stars national cartoon personality clunkyrobot, international DJ babycourageous, father and movie star g-funk, interstellar overgirl maryk, the sports comedian mike brune, myself, and dan (search dan in first name, he's like the fourth one down).
oh and did i mention CELEBRITIES?
it's like dominic said (yes, he was at MY wedding): "don't fuck around."
no sir, we are not.

march 1st. more to follow.

i just now farted.

that'll be six dollars have a nice day you filthy kike

so, i've only worked one job so far this wonderful year of 2006. slim pickin's. i had one audition a few weeks ago for a sandra bullock thriller, premonition. i know how it ends. i'm clairvoyant. or maybe they sent me the ENTIRE SCRIPT.
tonight i auditioned. to play a bigot. for a news show. well, abc primetime. so, while i'm trying to grasp the idea of fake news, my wife reminds me i've only worked one job so far this wonderful year. i quit thinking about it and went.
the producer, chris, is an affable, professional anchor-type. he recently shot a hidden camera piece with a man verbally abusing a woman in a park. i guess to see how people would react. the man would get very close to hitting her. chris said many women passers-by had no problem getting between the man and woman. and i'm gonna bet those same women had no problem signing the release when they discovered they was on the tv.
of course, the bad man and victimized woman were actors.
chris showed me and a couple other local actor-types some footage. an actor driving a taxi, who elicits a response from the fare-riders by baiting them with racist dialogue. the actor was good, an easy going black guy. he talked about how arabs smell funky, and how he wishes they could put 'em all on a boat and ship 'em outta here. the reaction of several old white women was unsurprising: agreement. a shared "intense dislike" for those people.
after the viewing, i felt the humor seeping quickly out of the building. the discussion turned to "how tame do you want it?" which was goddam interesting. how tame, indeed. i was all ready to turn it up a notch. get some reactions.
the producer said, because of standards and practices, the N word was out. also no G word for asians. a college-aged PA looked puzzled.
what's that?
gook, the producer helped, you're too young.
i casually bowed out of the (forgive me) race for the part. the producer reminded me there'd be an off-duty cop trailing the taxi, and afterward it'd be made clear the racist was merely acting.
but i couldn't find any real, progressive idea in it. either i'd be making someone uncomfortable and maybe ruining their day, or i'd be strengthening someone else's suspicions with no consequence. i'd just feel frustrated either way 'cause i couldn't be funny. i'd wanna make up my own slurs.
check out those spoonbacks over there!
ever smell a vittle-lover?
no boil-diggers gonna take MY american job!
why do scribs always got a dozen kids?
moreover, i'd hafta to play the castrated version of the racist, not being able to say anything truly nasty, and a half-assed racist ain't no better 'an a dirty slant-hand.
plus i don't wanna drive a fucking taxi all day in savannah.
so i got home and checked out abc news primetime. one section is called 'are we prepared?' (guess what it's about), one called 'remembering peter' (i'll give you two guesses) another one simply 'the unexplainable' (guess all night, who knows.......)
oh, it's news. if you have some emotional pain in your family and want to share, if you've ever committed road rage, if your marriage is in trouble, there are primetime journalists standing by to exploit your need for national tv coverage.

by the way, googlism for kike. my favorite: is a chinaman as far as i know.