evil stench of white man precedes him

mike watt once sang:
for everything revealed, something's concealed
and for everything concealed,
something's revealed
yo ho, eeyo ho....
a corporate audition is like a visit to information retrieval. here's the copy they send:
At Kiwi, we don’t sell computers. We sell personal technology devices with great form and function. People choose Kiwi not just for great looking products and killer apps. Customer service is what sets us apart from our competition. So this quarter we’re about to launch the Next Big Thing…The Wallaby. It’s Blackberry-meets-iPod. Calling, messaging, conferencing, surfing, music and video. It’s connectivity with productivity. Ultra-lightweight, 100 gigs of storage and a super-long battery life. Shockproof, waterproof, foolproof. This Wallaby hops like a bunny!
add on this description of the guy:
30-something man (Caucasian, British accent) with close cropped hair, black collarless shirt or mock turtleneck, jeans, minimalist black wire rimmed glasses. He’s all about image.
okay, got it. a caricature of steven jobs, and i'm selling a fake hand-held product. but what's with the british accent? it's obvious the guy, or at least the company is australian. i email them.
they email back asking why i think that.
dunno....kiwi. wallaby. surfing?
the producer says no, think brit.
stupid fucking white man.
i drive to the audition in my awesome mock turtleneck and wire-rimmed glasses. i go into the studio and
the producer is eating his goddam lunch. like a kangaroo. so i do the bit about the sale of this new product.
let's have an english lesson.
webster's 1913. context (n.): the part of something written so intimately associated with it as to throw light upon its meaning.
yeah, even in 1913, back before women could vote, people knew how important context is to writing.
they tell me, barely looking up from mouthloads of slurping and chewing, it's not a pitch. the brit is actually a 'real person' giving a testimonial as to how UPS shipping saved his company in a pinch.
for real?
that might be good info to give the actor.
see, what bugs me is how so many clients just sit in a room and wait for the perfect read. zero dialogue. by contrast, yesterday i did a VO audition and the writer and producer were there, working with me to get exactly what they wanted. little bits of direction here and there. slight adjustments. fuel for fire.
as doug martsch once sang:
and the cause of this is evident
but the remedy cannot be found
cause it's so well hidden
this history lesson doesn't make any sense
in any less than ten thousand year increments
of common sense

absens haeres non erit

i use outlook express to organize my acting jobs. there's a folder called "auditions/jobs" and it contains 325 messages since the beginning of 2005. june's been a pokey month. only 3 auditions. one, a remake of a japanese movie was cancelled, another i bowed out of politely because i couldn't find a role, and the last one i had to drive nine hours to shreveport, la.
it's a reliable snapshot of how much PS2/PBR time i log in any period.
since i've come to know jesus christ so well, my bank account was blessed this month with an abundance of residuals ("pay matt what belongs to matt" - thanks, jc): a lottery spot from over a year ago, a made for tv movie from new orleans before the flood (thanks for nothing, god), and a teen drama appearance from a few years back.
now, that last one, the tv show dawson's creek, netted after taxes about five dollars. so i turned once again to jesus christ to find out where tha fuck my money at.
jesus shucked and jived, mostly about how the kingdom of heaven isn't full of rich playboys. i know for a fact heaven's roads are paved with gold teeth and every soul shits chunky monkey. i believe he put it this way:
it's a WB series, man, now enjoying syndication on the cheapest broadcaster of all, the superstation. get over yourself.
fair enough. katie holmes probably got a stack of five dollar checks on her gold teeth-plated dresser.